Two blonds were building a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward ME, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!”
The second got completely upset and yelled, “You MORON! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
Say the Color not the Word
Look at the chart below and say the COLOR not the word:
YELLOW BLUE ORANGE
BLACK RED GREEN
PURPLE YELLOW RED
ORANGE GREEN BLACK
BLUE RED PURPLE
GREEN BLUE ORANGE
LEFT - RIGHT CONFLICT
Your right brain tries to say the color, but your left brain insists on reading the word.
YELLOW BLUE ORANGE
BLACK RED GREEN
PURPLE YELLOW RED
ORANGE GREEN BLACK
BLUE RED PURPLE
GREEN BLUE ORANGE
LEFT - RIGHT CONFLICT
Your right brain tries to say the color, but your left brain insists on reading the word.
Musicians
Q: What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: How do you get an musician off your front step?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down his amp?
A: Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter – bass players are never in the light anyway.
Q: How many “deadheads” does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don’t change it. They just wait for it to burn out, and then they follow it around for 30 years.
Q: What does it mean when a drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: How do you get an musician off your front step?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down his amp?
A: Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter – bass players are never in the light anyway.
Q: How many “deadheads” does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don’t change it. They just wait for it to burn out, and then they follow it around for 30 years.
Q: What does it mean when a drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.
Sound Advice
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments about leaving the toilet seat up, by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. But, remember to always use a timer.
4. A moust trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a bunch of laxatives; that way you will be too afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.
2. Avoid arguments about leaving the toilet seat up, by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. But, remember to always use a timer.
4. A moust trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a bunch of laxatives; that way you will be too afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.
Gross Hairbands
Take a good look before buying hair bands in future, especially the following kind:Verified: http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/hairband.asp
These Hair bands were made from used condoms.
BEIJING (AFP) - Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern China threatening to spread sexually-transmittable diseases they were originally meant to prevent, state media reported Tuesday.
In the latest example of potentially harmful Chinese-made products, rubber hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons in Dongguan and Guangzhou cities in southern Guangdong province, China Daily newspaper said .
'These cheap and colorful rubber bands and hair ties sell well (...) Threatening the health of local people,' it said. Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said .
'People could be infected with AIDS, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while waving their hair into plaits or buns,' the paper quoted a local dermatologist who gave only his surname, Dong, as saying. A bag of ten of the recycled bands sells for just 25 S en (three cents), much cheaper than others on the market, accounting for their popularity, the paper said.
It is not at all unusual to stick that hairband in your mouth while you are combing your hair into place and getting it ready for the hairband. Mmm, delicious.
Thanks John!
Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson .
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson .
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Rejected Hallmark Cards
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life, I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age; almost lifelike!
7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time. Why don't you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday; so we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder, what was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age; almost lifelike!
7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time. Why don't you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday; so we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder, what was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
Advice from a Retired Husband
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from
work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for
some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Terri, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow
without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Thanks Steven V.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from
work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for
some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Terri, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow
without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Thanks Steven V.
Mysteries
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
If Jimmy cracks corn and noone cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker?'
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if there is a 'wet paint' sign somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the alphabet song and 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
If Jimmy cracks corn and noone cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker?'
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if there is a 'wet paint' sign somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the alphabet song and 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune?
Rejected Greeting Cards
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy, 'cause when I got one, I got real snippy.
I heard you had herpes, and I feel terrible. I'd say "get well soon" but I know it's incurable.
My tire was thumping I thought it was flat, when I looked at the tire, I found your cat. Sorry.
You had your bladder removed and your on the mends, here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled you day; look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. Don't fret about your wife though, She's moving in with me.
Your computer is dead, it's no longer alive, you shouldn't have installed Windows 95.
So you lost your job, it's one of those hardships in life. Next time work harder, and stay away from the boss's wife.
I heard you had herpes, and I feel terrible. I'd say "get well soon" but I know it's incurable.
My tire was thumping I thought it was flat, when I looked at the tire, I found your cat. Sorry.
You had your bladder removed and your on the mends, here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled you day; look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. Don't fret about your wife though, She's moving in with me.
Your computer is dead, it's no longer alive, you shouldn't have installed Windows 95.
So you lost your job, it's one of those hardships in life. Next time work harder, and stay away from the boss's wife.
Financial Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Rejected Dictionary Entries
ADULT :
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation
GOSSIPER :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.
INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR :
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL :
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS :
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE :
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST :
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST :
Someone me-deep in conversation
GOSSIPER :
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF :
Cold Storage.
INFLATION :
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO :
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN :
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET :
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON :
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE :
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW :
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN :
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES :
Something other people have. You have character lines.
Stuff to Think About
Would you kill for a Nobel Peace Prize?
Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
What's the speed of dark?
How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
What's the speed of dark?
How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
How to Change Your Oil
Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Clean up mess. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. Drink beer.
Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Drink beer.
Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob. Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. Beer.
Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Beer.
Test drive car. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.
Make bail.
Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Clean up mess. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. Drink beer.
Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Drink beer.
Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob. Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. Beer.
Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Beer.
Test drive car. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.
Make bail.
Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!
What?
1. I want patience and I want it now!
2. Dichotomy is the root of all evil.
3. Anyone who judges others is horrible and evil.
4. I cannot tolerate intolerance.
5. I object to anyone who makes assumptions like the assumption that I assume you are making.
6. If you feel guilty you should be ashamed of yourself.
7. I am the most humble person on earth.
8. I can be more self-righteous than anyone; I am just so superior that I choose not to.
9. I could be wrong. I thought I was wrong once before, but I was wrong.
10. I used to think that I was superior just like you but I overcame that fault years ago.
11. I'm modest and proud of it.
12. Superstition brings bad luck.
13. Don't ask me what I think of ignorance and apathy; I don't know and I don't care.
14. Humanity can be divided into two groups of people; those who divide humanity into two groups of people and those who do not.
15. I'm not in denial.
16. You are so judgmental.
17. Is anal retentive hyphenated?
18. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
19. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
20. Everyone's an individual, but I don't think I am.
2. Dichotomy is the root of all evil.
3. Anyone who judges others is horrible and evil.
4. I cannot tolerate intolerance.
5. I object to anyone who makes assumptions like the assumption that I assume you are making.
6. If you feel guilty you should be ashamed of yourself.
7. I am the most humble person on earth.
8. I can be more self-righteous than anyone; I am just so superior that I choose not to.
9. I could be wrong. I thought I was wrong once before, but I was wrong.
10. I used to think that I was superior just like you but I overcame that fault years ago.
11. I'm modest and proud of it.
12. Superstition brings bad luck.
13. Don't ask me what I think of ignorance and apathy; I don't know and I don't care.
14. Humanity can be divided into two groups of people; those who divide humanity into two groups of people and those who do not.
15. I'm not in denial.
16. You are so judgmental.
17. Is anal retentive hyphenated?
18. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
19. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
20. Everyone's an individual, but I don't think I am.
Idiots
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "No, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
---
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back instead of $0.75 in change." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and .75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.
---
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
---
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
---
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."
---
The stoplight on the corner by my house buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. One day I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
---
I recently attended a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." At the dinner our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
---
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
---
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
---
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back instead of $0.75 in change." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and .75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.
---
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
---
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
---
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."
---
The stoplight on the corner by my house buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. One day I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
---
I recently attended a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." At the dinner our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
---
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
---
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
Home Security on a Budget
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS: I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'
Installation complete.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS: I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'
Installation complete.
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