1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life, I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age; almost lifelike!
7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time. Why don't you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday; so we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder, what was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.