Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy, 'cause when I got one, I got real snippy.
I heard you had herpes, and I feel terrible. I'd say "get well soon" but I know it's incurable.
My tire was thumping I thought it was flat, when I looked at the tire, I found your cat. Sorry.
You had your bladder removed and your on the mends, here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled you day; look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. Don't fret about your wife though, She's moving in with me.
Your computer is dead, it's no longer alive, you shouldn't have installed Windows 95.
So you lost your job, it's one of those hardships in life. Next time work harder, and stay away from the boss's wife.