The Second Coming

The Pope had called together a meeting of the cardinals and said, "I have some good news for you and some bad news. The good news is this. Our blessed Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, has returned to earth for the long-awaited Second Coming, and the Day of Judgment is at hand."

There was an exalted silence for a few moments and then one cardinal said, "But Holy Father, with good news like that, what's the bad news?"

The Pope mopped his forehead with his handkerchief and said, "The information has reached us from Salt Lake City."

- Asimov Laughs Again: More than 700 Favorite Jokes, Limericks, and Anecdotes

Holding a Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope
Under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything
For her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices
With little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping...

What a Man Needs

Rule 1) A man needs a women who he can trust unconditionally.

Rule 2) The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. A man needs a women who cooks for him once in a while.

Rule 3) A man needs a women to balance him out when he makes poor decisions.

Rule 4) A man needs a women that enjoys being with him and makes love to him often.

Rule 5) These 4 women must never, ever, ever find out about each other.

Deer Hunting

Getting ready for deer season I did all my prep-work early. I scouted the area all summer.

I searched out the best location for my tree-stand. I set it all up a month ahead of time.

I trailed the herd, and I picked out a trophy buck.

Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt. Everything was in place.

Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am, I put on my camo, loaded my pack, and set out for my stand.

This was destined to be an epic hunt.

I approached my deer stand







And changed my mind... decided to go to church instead.

Three Men and a River

Three men were hiking through a forest

When they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs.

And he was able to swim across in just two hours, though he almost drowned twice!
After seeing that, the second man prayed:

'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!!!
God gave him a kayak and strong arms and strong legs.

And he was able to row across the river in about an hour, though he almost capsized once!
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof!!!
HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!
She then checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream

and walked across the bridge.

An Obituary for Common Sense

An Obituary for Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
 

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
 

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
 
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
 
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
 
- Life isn't always fair;
 
- and maybe it was my fault.
 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
 

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
 

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
 

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
 

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
 
I Know My Rights
 
I Want It Now
 
Someone Else Is To Blame
 
I'm A Victim
 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you remember him, pass this on.


Difficult Read

If you can read this you have a strong mind:


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Life is a Gift

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see
everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, “now that you can see the world, will you marry me?” The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him. Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying:
“Just take care of my eyes dear.”

This is how human brain changes when statuses change. Only few remember what life was before, and who’s always been there even in the most painful situations.

Life is a gift.

Today before you think of saying an unkind word – think of someone who can’t speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food – think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife – think of someone who is crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life – think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children – think of someone who desires children but they’re barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house, someone didn’t clean or sweep – think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive – think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job – think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another – remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down – put a smile on your face and thank God you’re alive and still around.

Life is a gift – Live it, Enjoy it, Celebrate it, and Fulfill it.

Thanks Jade K.!

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."