1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him, a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Funny e-mail forwards, jokes, silly stuff and more. Visit often for the latest funny e-mails!
Alternative Definitions
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Creative Voicemail Messages
Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep.
"Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished."
I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply
Like Barney (the purple dinosaur):
I'll call you, cause you called me. We're the ______ family. So leave your name and number at the tone. Sorry that we're not at home.
Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can.
Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? You guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. The roses have wilted, the violets are dead. The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head. The roses stink, sorta like sheep. But leave your name, number, and message after the beep. The roses are molding, the violets are rotten. And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten.
We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out.
Hello? Hello? Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you. That's because I'm not home. Leave a message.
You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone."
This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone.
Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone.
These words are lovely dark and deep, But I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. So leave a message at the beep.
Hey, it's ________. Sorry you can't get through. Leave your name and your number and I'll get back to you.
Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Roses are red, boogers are green, please leave your message on this stupid machine.
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Now I lay me down to sleep; leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up and after we will tell each other everything.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone, the telephone is next to an answering machine. You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine. You hear a beep.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, just leave a message.
Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
(Bullwinkle) Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine. (Rocky) Again? (Bullwinkle) Nuthin' up my sleeve. Presto! Must have been a wrong number. (Rocky) Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me. Tee Hee! Leave a message?
C'mon. You can do it. Just a little one. That's the way. Just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon. Good boy. Here we go. Like this: beeeeep. Just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep. C'mon. There you go!
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.
Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... Don't even think about it! Don't!
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Heaven, God speaking.
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So, leave your name and number and tell us where you saw Elvis!
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost your voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done.
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress.
Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air.
Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number unless of course you are a salesman or trying to solicit money.
Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.
Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.)
Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.
Hello, you've reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, mostly on top. I like doing it left to right, very slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes.
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, Gosh how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?
Helloo? Hello? Well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it.
Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's not important. Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. Maybe you could stay and talk. Please talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep.
Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message and if I have time, i'll try to squeeze you in.
Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn’t send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping.
Hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007. If you get this machine I am probably saving the world. This tape will self destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)
Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the, the, the Pope. Yeah that's it.
Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?
Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my... (beep)
Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call. Ouch. Leave your painful message after the beep.
Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else. (4's Will be automatically deleted.)
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)
Hi, you have reached (phone number) you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?
Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you.
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this.
I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the...
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now. So if, well, actually, I can come to the phone now. I mean, like, I'm at the phone now, recording this message, but I'm doing this now, while you're listening to it later. Except for you I guess it's now, like, when you're listening to it. I mean, like, wait.
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice phone you have there.
Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time. Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings. I might even play my beep for you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am.
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe you don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you.
I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if it's a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken, and I will call you back.
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number, I'd appreciate it.
If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother’s maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message after the beep.
I'm gone.
"Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished."
I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply
Like Barney (the purple dinosaur):
I'll call you, cause you called me. We're the ______ family. So leave your name and number at the tone. Sorry that we're not at home.
Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can.
Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? You guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. The roses have wilted, the violets are dead. The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head. The roses stink, sorta like sheep. But leave your name, number, and message after the beep. The roses are molding, the violets are rotten. And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten.
We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out.
Hello? Hello? Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you. That's because I'm not home. Leave a message.
You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone."
This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone.
Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone.
These words are lovely dark and deep, But I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. So leave a message at the beep.
Hey, it's ________. Sorry you can't get through. Leave your name and your number and I'll get back to you.
Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Roses are red, boogers are green, please leave your message on this stupid machine.
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
Now I lay me down to sleep; leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up and after we will tell each other everything.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone, the telephone is next to an answering machine. You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine. You hear a beep.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, just leave a message.
Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
(Bullwinkle) Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine. (Rocky) Again? (Bullwinkle) Nuthin' up my sleeve. Presto! Must have been a wrong number. (Rocky) Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me. Tee Hee! Leave a message?
C'mon. You can do it. Just a little one. That's the way. Just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon. Good boy. Here we go. Like this: beeeeep. Just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep. C'mon. There you go!
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.
Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... Don't even think about it! Don't!
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Heaven, God speaking.
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So, leave your name and number and tell us where you saw Elvis!
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won't.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost your voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done.
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress.
Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air.
Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number unless of course you are a salesman or trying to solicit money.
Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.
Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and over.)
Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name), your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.
Hello, you've reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, mostly on top. I like doing it left to right, very slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes.
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, Gosh how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?
Helloo? Hello? Well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it.
Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's not important. Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. Maybe you could stay and talk. Please talk to me after the beep, please talk to me after the beep.
Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message and if I have time, i'll try to squeeze you in.
Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn’t send us enough money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping.
Hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007. If you get this machine I am probably saving the world. This tape will self destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)
Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the, the, the Pope. Yeah that's it.
Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?
Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my... (beep)
Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call. Ouch. Leave your painful message after the beep.
Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to say something else. (4's Will be automatically deleted.)
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)
Hi, you have reached (phone number) you have a chance to win one million dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?
Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you.
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this.
I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the...
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now. So if, well, actually, I can come to the phone now. I mean, like, I'm at the phone now, recording this message, but I'm doing this now, while you're listening to it later. Except for you I guess it's now, like, when you're listening to it. I mean, like, wait.
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice phone you have there.
Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time. Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings. I might even play my beep for you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am.
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe you don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm going to show them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a choice I leave to you.
I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the most calls missed" if it's a emergency or your dieing or something, please hold on till the record is broken, and I will call you back.
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number, I'd appreciate it.
If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age, height, weight, how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother’s maiden name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still listening, then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message after the beep.
I'm gone.
College Courses for Men and Women
Courses for Women, Taught by Men.
101
Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
102
Doing Housework Without Complaining
103
Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
104
Going to The Washroom Alone
(formerly Coping Without My Friends)
105
Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
106
Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
107
Learning How to Initiate Intimacy
108
How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
109
Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
110
Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
111
The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put it Down Too
112
Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
113
"The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
114
How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
115
The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
116
You too Can be the One to Hang Up the Phone
117
Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable
118
Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
(formerly One Can is Enough)
119
Runs in Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
120
Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
121
Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There
122
Learning to Choose What to Wear in Less Than Four Hours
123
Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
124
Makeup: The Less is More Theory
125
Nagging: Stop the Insanity!
Courses for Men, Taught by Women.
101
Combating Stupidity
102
You Too Can Do Housework
103
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
104
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
105
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas – Give Us Money
106
Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
107
Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks")
108
Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception
109
Get a Life – Learn How To Cook
110
How Not to Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
111
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
112
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
113
You – The Weaker Sex
114
Reasons To Give Flowers
115
How To Stay Awake After
116
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
117
Garbage – Getting it to the Curb
118A
You Can Fall Asleep Without it if You Really Try
118B
The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
119
The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
120
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
121
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
122
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
123
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
124
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
125
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
126
Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
127
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
128
The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary
129
Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
130
Real Men Ask For Directions
131
How To Take Illness Like a Man
101
Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
102
Doing Housework Without Complaining
103
Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
104
Going to The Washroom Alone
(formerly Coping Without My Friends)
105
Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
106
Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
107
Learning How to Initiate Intimacy
108
How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
109
Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
110
Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
111
The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put it Down Too
112
Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
113
"The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
114
How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
115
The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
116
You too Can be the One to Hang Up the Phone
117
Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable
118
Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
(formerly One Can is Enough)
119
Runs in Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
120
Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
121
Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There
122
Learning to Choose What to Wear in Less Than Four Hours
123
Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
124
Makeup: The Less is More Theory
125
Nagging: Stop the Insanity!
Courses for Men, Taught by Women.
101
Combating Stupidity
102
You Too Can Do Housework
103
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
104
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
105
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas – Give Us Money
106
Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
107
Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks")
108
Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception
109
Get a Life – Learn How To Cook
110
How Not to Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
111
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
112
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
113
You – The Weaker Sex
114
Reasons To Give Flowers
115
How To Stay Awake After
116
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
117
Garbage – Getting it to the Curb
118A
You Can Fall Asleep Without it if You Really Try
118B
The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
119
The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
120
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
121
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
122
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
123
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
124
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
125
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
126
Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
127
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
128
The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary
129
Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
130
Real Men Ask For Directions
131
How To Take Illness Like a Man
Things To Remember If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. Actually, on second thought I'll shoot him, then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
On my computers, a small error such as and illogical statement or damage to an input device will not cause the computer to explode. If one computer explodes, none of the rest of my computers will explode. If any of my computers explode, this will not cause my master power generators to explode destroying my entire fortress.
If I am going to set off an explosion to destroy my opponents it won't have a big display showing how many seconds until the explosion. The explosion will just go off when I press the button.
I will get rid of anyone who looks like me.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. Actually, on second thought I'll shoot him, then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
On my computers, a small error such as and illogical statement or damage to an input device will not cause the computer to explode. If one computer explodes, none of the rest of my computers will explode. If any of my computers explode, this will not cause my master power generators to explode destroying my entire fortress.
If I am going to set off an explosion to destroy my opponents it won't have a big display showing how many seconds until the explosion. The explosion will just go off when I press the button.
I will get rid of anyone who looks like me.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach.
How to Write Good
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Profanity sucks.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Profanity sucks.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Comedian Quotes
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
--Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my gosh, I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
--Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my gosh, I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be
discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be
of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to
itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being
which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the
(censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: Well,...................
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself
of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its
sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of
the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden
sexual desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the
chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck
by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the
deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no
more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero,
whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some
chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right
under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and
thinking about his family.
Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really
upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he
crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.
John Sununu (again): I would argue that the chicken never crossed the
road at all. That it is a story concocted by the Clinton
Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture
policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road?
Where, Michael?
Michael Kinsley: Oh, John, come on! Everybody knows the chicken
crossed the road. What evidence do you need? It's obvious that the
chicken crossed the road. Your whole argument is just a smoke and
mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled
now back the Democratic Party. You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
John.
Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs
up!
Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the
chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the
chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't even speak English!
Thumbs down.
Michael Kinsley: But you both agree it did cross the road, right?
See, John. I'm right as usual.
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be
discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be
of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to
itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being
which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the
(censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: Well,...................
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself
of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its
sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of
the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden
sexual desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the
chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck
by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the
deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no
more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero,
whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some
chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right
under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and
thinking about his family.
Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really
upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he
crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.
John Sununu (again): I would argue that the chicken never crossed the
road at all. That it is a story concocted by the Clinton
Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture
policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road?
Where, Michael?
Michael Kinsley: Oh, John, come on! Everybody knows the chicken
crossed the road. What evidence do you need? It's obvious that the
chicken crossed the road. Your whole argument is just a smoke and
mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled
now back the Democratic Party. You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
John.
Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs
up!
Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the
chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the
chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't even speak English!
Thumbs down.
Michael Kinsley: But you both agree it did cross the road, right?
See, John. I'm right as usual.
Funny Thoughts
These are supposedly Mitch Hedberg quotes:
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.'
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means, it's dirty.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Dogs are forever in the push up position.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time; and last night, all those people were at my show.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny.
Spaghetti. I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.'
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means, it's dirty.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Dogs are forever in the push up position.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time; and last night, all those people were at my show.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny.
Spaghetti. I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
How to Write a College Paper
How to write a paper in college/university:
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto Facebook and Gmail. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3's off of itunes.
13. Check your email.
14. Facebook chat with one of your friends about the future.
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3s and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, the course, the college, and the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare.
23. Check out nowthatsnifty.blogspot.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your roomate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
28. Check to see if nowthatsnifty.blogspot.com has been updated yet.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3s.
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenities.
37. 5am - start writing on the paper without stopping. 6am - paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto Facebook and Gmail. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Grab some mp3's off of itunes.
13. Check your email.
14. Facebook chat with one of your friends about the future.
15. Check your email.
16. Listen to your new mp3s and download some more.
17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, the course, the college, and the world at large.
18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.
19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
20. Check your email.
21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
22. Play some solitare.
23. Check out nowthatsnifty.blogspot.com.
24. Wash your hands.
25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.
26. Look through your roomate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
28. Check to see if nowthatsnifty.blogspot.com has been updated yet.
29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3s.
30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.
31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
34. Punch the wall and break something.
35. Check your email.
36. Mumble obscenities.
37. 5am - start writing on the paper without stopping. 6am - paper is finished.
38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.
39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.
35 Life Truths
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
What I Learned from Movies
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Real Questions to Travel Agents
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that.
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that.
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Company Policies
Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.
And that, my friends, is how company policies are made.
Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.
And that, my friends, is how company policies are made.
How to Annoy People
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for drugs."
Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for drugs."
Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Courtroom Quotations
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
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Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
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Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
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Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
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Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"
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Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
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Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
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Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
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Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."
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Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
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Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
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Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
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Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
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Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
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Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
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Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
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Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
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Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
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Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
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Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
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Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
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Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
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Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
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Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
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