"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money."
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my gosh, I could be eating a slow learner."