These are supposedly Mitch Hedberg quotes:
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.'
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means, it's dirty.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Dogs are forever in the push up position.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time; and last night, all those people were at my show.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny.
Spaghetti. I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.