...The new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...The Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...My assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
...My new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...The Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...The boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...My parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...My secretary says things like "get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...Three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...The LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...A large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...The receptionist began saying "Who?" to anyone calling for me.
Murphy's Laws
|
-=- Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
-=- To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
-=- The road to success is always under construction.
-=- Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
-=- In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
-=- Since light travels faster than sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
-=- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
-=- Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
-=- If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late the bus is still late.
-=- Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere
else at for cheaper.
-=- When in a line, the other line always moves faster and the person in front
of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
-=- If you have paper, you don’t have a pen. If you have a pen, you don’t have paper. If you have both, you don't need to make a note.
-=- The door bell or your phone will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
-=- Regardless of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will
always tend to go to the non-smoker.
-=- To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
-=- The road to success is always under construction.
-=- Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
-=- In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
-=- Since light travels faster than sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
-=- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
-=- Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
-=- If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late the bus is still late.
-=- Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere
else at for cheaper.
-=- When in a line, the other line always moves faster and the person in front
of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
-=- If you have paper, you don’t have a pen. If you have a pen, you don’t have paper. If you have both, you don't need to make a note.
-=- The door bell or your phone will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
-=- Regardless of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will
always tend to go to the non-smoker.
Health Advice
|
April 22, 2010
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and thats it, don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart doesn't make you live longer; its like saying you extend the life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruit so you get even more goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain? Good!
Q: Are fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Cocoa beans. Beans are good for you. Eat more.
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Round is shape.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, the body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and thats it, don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart doesn't make you live longer; its like saying you extend the life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruit so you get even more goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain? Good!
Q: Are fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Cocoa beans. Beans are good for you. Eat more.
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Round is shape.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, the body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"
"Out of Office" Automatic E-mail Replies
|
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Dave.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Dave.
Thoughts on a Gray Day
|
April 20, 2010
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear get dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
30. My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing's happened. I'm starting to think that my car is just an attention whore.
31. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
32. Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.
33. My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."
34. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
35. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.
36. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
37. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"
38. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwards?
39. Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear get dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
30. My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing's happened. I'm starting to think that my car is just an attention whore.
31. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
32. Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.
33. My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."
34. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
35. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.
36. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
37. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"
38. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwards?
39. Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Odds and Ends
|
April 1, 2010
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.
Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.
Chopped cabbage - not just a good idea, it's the SLAW.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Inquiring gnomes want to mine!
Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.
E=mc2. - Written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.
I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a doctor about it, but I didn't really care.
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
Most books now say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
I'm afraid of the dark, and suspicious of the light.
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.
Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.
If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?
The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive.
I like angles, but only to a degree.
I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.
Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.
Chopped cabbage - not just a good idea, it's the SLAW.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Inquiring gnomes want to mine!
Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.
E=mc2. - Written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.
I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a doctor about it, but I didn't really care.
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
Most books now say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
I'm afraid of the dark, and suspicious of the light.
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.
Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.
If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?
The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive.
I like angles, but only to a degree.
Thanks Gerrad!
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