Odds and Ends

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.

Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

Chopped cabbage - not just a good idea, it's the SLAW.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Inquiring gnomes want to mine!

Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.

E=mc2. - Written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.

I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a doctor about it, but I didn't really care.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

Most books now say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

I'm afraid of the dark, and suspicious of the light.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.

If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive.

I like angles, but only to a degree.

Thanks Gerrad!