Health Advice

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and thats it, don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart doesn't make you live longer; its like saying you extend the life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruit so you get even more goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain? Good!

Q: Are fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Cocoa beans. Beans are good for you. Eat more.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Round is shape.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate in the other, the body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"