How to Give a Cat a Pill:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later..
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
Darwin Awards
|
November 25, 2009
SPARKLEBERRY LANE / PAINT IT BLACK
July 2009, South Carolina | Two disguised men entered the Sprint store on Sparkleberry Lane, pulled out guns, and stole wallets, purses, and credit cards before ordering the employees into a bathroom. Both men fled, but they could not flee from their own stupidity. 24-year-old James Thomas had disguised himself
by spray-painting his own face.
Yes, in order to conceal his identity during the robbery, Thomas covered his skin with paint, a toxic substance with well known inhalation risks. He began having trouble breathing and died wheezing shortly after the robbery took place. Witnesses
were certain as to the identity of their assailant; had he lived, he would have been charged with armed robbery.
LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAK
April 2008, Florida | Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95. Shawn Montero had left a Pompano Beach bar with three friends, and now all four were stuck in traffic. You don't buy beer, you just rent it, and Shawn couldn't wait another moment to relieve himself.
"I need to take a leak." He was dying to go.
Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out, put his hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall, only to fall 65 feet to his death.
"He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn't," said a Fort Lauderdale police spokesman.
His mother shared her thoughts. "Shawn didn't do a whole lot for a living. He got along on his charm, just like his father." Though his death was tragic, it proves the old adage: Look before you leak.
DOUBLE DARWIN
September 2009, Belgium | Two bankrobbers attempting to make a sizeable withdrawal from an ATM machine in Dinant died when they overestimated the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion.
Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack. "Robber one" was rushed to hospital severely injured, and "robber two" was unexpectedly excavated from the debris twelve hours later.
Uncovering the second bungler's body was a surprise because investigators initially assumed that the accomplice had managed a getaway. Would-be robbers "one" and "two" weren't exactly impoverished, their getaway car was a BMW.
MY FATHER, THE PHD
"This weekend was the final straw. Being an extremely cost-conscious person, Dad decided that putting half a can of varnish in the toaster oven to liquefy it was the cheapest approach. You guessed it, the stuff caught fire! I found him in front of the
flaming oven contemplating picking up the varnish can with his bare hands. Two-foot flames were shooting out of the can, causing me to utter a line spoken far too many times in our house: "What were you thinking?"
Father's attempts at Darwin Fame have included:
1) Tipping a small boat on Cayuga Lake, NY while fishing, almost drowning my brother and himself. At the time I thought Mom was being too hard on him when she said it was his own fault that he was in the hospital. I have since revised my judgment.
2) Removing a branch from a locust tree by climbing a ladder with a running chainsaw. The branch was not tied off properly, so it fell onto a shed roof that he was trying to avoid. A rope that was held by my mother and a neighbor slipped and both fell. Poor Mom sustained two black eyes because she fell headfirst onto the
neighbor's knees.
3) Rolling a lawn tractor on top of himself by mowing a roadside ditch at a steep angle, resulting in a broken rib, and poison ivy for me because I spent ten minutes thrashing around in the vegetation while we tried to roll the tractor off Dad, again.
4) Lighting a fire in a basement trash burner that was not connected to an exhaust pipe. The fire department loves us.
5) Putting an aluminum dutch oven on the stove, starting some water to boil and wandering off to watch the evening news. Note that the Merck Index lists the melting point of aluminum as 660 degrees C. When Mom discovered the situation, the pot had boiled dry, the bottom was melted out, the pot walls were glowing bright red, and
the kitchen wall was starting to smoke.
6) Testing the efficacy of old Nitroglycerin tablets by swallowing three at once to see if they still worked. I did say he was cheap, er, cost conscious. The EMS came to the rescue because his blood pressure had dropped to an undesirable level and he was passed out at the kitchen table. Mere minutes before, he was planning a drive
to the donut shop. Thank God he didn't make it to the car before his blood pressure dropped.
July 2009, South Carolina | Two disguised men entered the Sprint store on Sparkleberry Lane, pulled out guns, and stole wallets, purses, and credit cards before ordering the employees into a bathroom. Both men fled, but they could not flee from their own stupidity. 24-year-old James Thomas had disguised himself
by spray-painting his own face.
Yes, in order to conceal his identity during the robbery, Thomas covered his skin with paint, a toxic substance with well known inhalation risks. He began having trouble breathing and died wheezing shortly after the robbery took place. Witnesses
were certain as to the identity of their assailant; had he lived, he would have been charged with armed robbery.
LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAK
April 2008, Florida | Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95. Shawn Montero had left a Pompano Beach bar with three friends, and now all four were stuck in traffic. You don't buy beer, you just rent it, and Shawn couldn't wait another moment to relieve himself.
"I need to take a leak." He was dying to go.
Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out, put his hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall, only to fall 65 feet to his death.
"He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn't," said a Fort Lauderdale police spokesman.
His mother shared her thoughts. "Shawn didn't do a whole lot for a living. He got along on his charm, just like his father." Though his death was tragic, it proves the old adage: Look before you leak.
DOUBLE DARWIN
September 2009, Belgium | Two bankrobbers attempting to make a sizeable withdrawal from an ATM machine in Dinant died when they overestimated the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion.
Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack. "Robber one" was rushed to hospital severely injured, and "robber two" was unexpectedly excavated from the debris twelve hours later.
Uncovering the second bungler's body was a surprise because investigators initially assumed that the accomplice had managed a getaway. Would-be robbers "one" and "two" weren't exactly impoverished, their getaway car was a BMW.
MY FATHER, THE PHD
"This weekend was the final straw. Being an extremely cost-conscious person, Dad decided that putting half a can of varnish in the toaster oven to liquefy it was the cheapest approach. You guessed it, the stuff caught fire! I found him in front of the
flaming oven contemplating picking up the varnish can with his bare hands. Two-foot flames were shooting out of the can, causing me to utter a line spoken far too many times in our house: "What were you thinking?"
Father's attempts at Darwin Fame have included:
1) Tipping a small boat on Cayuga Lake, NY while fishing, almost drowning my brother and himself. At the time I thought Mom was being too hard on him when she said it was his own fault that he was in the hospital. I have since revised my judgment.
2) Removing a branch from a locust tree by climbing a ladder with a running chainsaw. The branch was not tied off properly, so it fell onto a shed roof that he was trying to avoid. A rope that was held by my mother and a neighbor slipped and both fell. Poor Mom sustained two black eyes because she fell headfirst onto the
neighbor's knees.
3) Rolling a lawn tractor on top of himself by mowing a roadside ditch at a steep angle, resulting in a broken rib, and poison ivy for me because I spent ten minutes thrashing around in the vegetation while we tried to roll the tractor off Dad, again.
4) Lighting a fire in a basement trash burner that was not connected to an exhaust pipe. The fire department loves us.
5) Putting an aluminum dutch oven on the stove, starting some water to boil and wandering off to watch the evening news. Note that the Merck Index lists the melting point of aluminum as 660 degrees C. When Mom discovered the situation, the pot had boiled dry, the bottom was melted out, the pot walls were glowing bright red, and
the kitchen wall was starting to smoke.
6) Testing the efficacy of old Nitroglycerin tablets by swallowing three at once to see if they still worked. I did say he was cheap, er, cost conscious. The EMS came to the rescue because his blood pressure had dropped to an undesirable level and he was passed out at the kitchen table. Mere minutes before, he was planning a drive
to the donut shop. Thank God he didn't make it to the car before his blood pressure dropped.
The Difference Between Men and Women
|
November 23, 2009
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the
phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the
phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Why Men Don't Get Depressed
|
November 21, 2009
Your last name stays put.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $3.95 for a three-pack.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
One color for all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $3.95 for a three-pack.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
One color for all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
12 Signs You Are in Love
|
November 20, 2009
12 signs that you are in love:
TWELVE :
You walk really slowly when you are with them.
ELEVEN:
You feel shy whenever they are around.
TEN:
You smile when you hear their voice.
NINE:
When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
SEVEN:
They are all you think about.
SIX:
You realize you are always smiling when you are looking at them.
FIVE:
You would do anything just to see them.
FOUR:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.
THREE:
You just smiled because it's true.
TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number eight was missing.
ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.
Thanks Jasmin!
TWELVE :
You walk really slowly when you are with them.
ELEVEN:
You feel shy whenever they are around.
TEN:
You smile when you hear their voice.
NINE:
When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
SEVEN:
They are all you think about.
SIX:
You realize you are always smiling when you are looking at them.
FIVE:
You would do anything just to see them.
FOUR:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.
THREE:
You just smiled because it's true.
TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number eight was missing.
ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.
Thanks Jasmin!
You Know You Are a Cop if...
|
November 19, 2009
You have the bladder capacity of five people.
You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call.
You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
You have your weekends off planned for a year.
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide ... getting it right the first time.
You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow more than a .O8.
You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and
you are here messing with me."
People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places ... and you know where how to get there.
You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.
You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."
You do not see daylight from November until May.
People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.
A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 t-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear.
You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday."
You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten.
You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight."
You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call.
You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
You have your weekends off planned for a year.
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide ... getting it right the first time.
You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow more than a .O8.
You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and
you are here messing with me."
People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places ... and you know where how to get there.
You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.
You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."
You do not see daylight from November until May.
People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.
A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 t-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear.
You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday."
You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten.
You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight."
Signs Your Cat is too Fat
|
November 12, 2009
Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
Always lands on her spleen.
Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
Catfood dish replaced with Michael Moore trough.
Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
Has more chins than lives.
Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
Always lands on her spleen.
Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
Catfood dish replaced with Michael Moore trough.
Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
Has more chins than lives.
Definitions for Parents
|
November 10, 2009
Amnesia:
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Two-Minute Warning:
When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies into it.
Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids want ice cream.
Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart at the dinner table, to avoid a food fight.
Feedback:
The gift your kids give you. Even when it’s not your birthday.
Full Name:
What you call your child when you’re mad at them.
Hear-say:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.
Sterilize:
What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Who-dunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Two-Minute Warning:
When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies into it.
Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids want ice cream.
Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart at the dinner table, to avoid a food fight.
Feedback:
The gift your kids give you. Even when it’s not your birthday.
Full Name:
What you call your child when you’re mad at them.
Hear-say:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.
Sterilize:
What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Who-dunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.
Cooking Terms
|
November 5, 2009
TONGUE: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
YOGURT: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
RECIPE: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
PORRIDGE: Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
PREHEAT: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
OVEN: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
MICROWAVE OVEN: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
CALORIE: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
YOGURT: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
RECIPE: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
PORRIDGE: Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
PREHEAT: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
OVEN: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
MICROWAVE OVEN: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
CALORIE: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Nominate Funny & Interesting E-mail Forwards for the 2009 Weblog Awards
|
November 4, 2009
The 2009 Weblog Awards are the world’s largest blog competition. The 2009 edition is now fully underway.
The nomination process for The 2009 Weblog Awards began today and will run through November 20, 2009.
Click here to see the master list of categories where you can nominate your favorite blogs, including Funny & Interesting E-mail Forwards.
Start nominating Funny & Interesting E-mail Forwards, and your other favorite sites, and start spreading the word about nominations opening!
There are many categories you can nominate a blog for, including: Best Blog, and Best Humor Blog.
Nominate Funny & Interesting E-mail Forwards, for any category, including, but not limited to:
Best New Blog
Best Blog
Best Humor Blog
Thanks guys, I appreciate any support you can give!
The nomination process for The 2009 Weblog Awards began today and will run through November 20, 2009.
Click here to see the master list of categories where you can nominate your favorite blogs, including Funny & Interesting E-mail Forwards.
Start nominating Funny & Interesting E-mail Forwards, and your other favorite sites, and start spreading the word about nominations opening!
There are many categories you can nominate a blog for, including: Best Blog, and Best Humor Blog.
Nominate Funny & Interesting E-mail Forwards, for any category, including, but not limited to:
Best New Blog
Best Blog
Best Humor Blog
Thanks guys, I appreciate any support you can give!
Fortune
|
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Blonde Jokes
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November 3, 2009
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Duh, you can see the moon, but can you see Florida?"
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you?"
The other blonde turns and says "Duh, you can see the moon, but can you see Florida?"
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you?"
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A blonde goes out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night."
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"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night."
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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit and it was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "science & nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vaccum on or off?"
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A blonde was showing her friend her two new puppies. The girl askes, "What are their names?"
A blonde was showing her friend her two new puppies. The girl askes, "What are their names?"
The blonde responded, This one is Rolex, and this one is Timex.
Confused, her friend said, "What kind of names are those?"
"Uh, der. They are watch dogs." answered the blonde.
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
She Was so Dumb That...
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1. She called me to get my phone number.
2. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said ‘concentrate.’
3. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4. She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
5. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6. She tried to drown a fish.
7. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
8. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
11. She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
12. She studied for a blood test.
13. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
14. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
15. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
16. When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said ‘Airport Left’ she turned around and went home.
2. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said ‘concentrate.’
3. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4. She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
5. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6. She tried to drown a fish.
7. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
8. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
11. She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
12. She studied for a blood test.
13. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
14. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
15. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
16. When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said ‘Airport Left’ she turned around and went home.
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