Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!
Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
23 power cords, 1 outlet.
Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."
If your boss calls you and asks you to come into his office for a minute the walk there is like a funeral march... people hand you tissues as you pass and refuse to make eye contact.
You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.
Golf Nut
John and Helen met while on vacation, and John fell head over heels in love with her. But after a couple of weeks in which John took Helen out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc. He was convinced that it was true love..And so….on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about
how the relationship would continue.
“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” John said to his new found lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s going to be a problem, you’d better say so now!”
Helen took a deep breath and responded: “Since we’re being honest with each other, here goes... You need to know that I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” John replied. “That’s a problem, for sure.” He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”
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how the relationship would continue.
“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” John said to his new found lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s going to be a problem, you’d better say so now!”
Helen took a deep breath and responded: “Since we’re being honest with each other, here goes... You need to know that I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” John replied. “That’s a problem, for sure.” He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”
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Universal Laws
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will..
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. While those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will..
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. While those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Funny Stories
These are probably not true, but still funny!
-The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska few years back was$80,000.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
-Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
-Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
-Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
-And Finally
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
-Thanks Donna!
-The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska few years back was$80,000.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
-Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
-Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
-Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
-And Finally
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
-Thanks Donna!
Amazing Facts (I Don't Know if Any are Actually True)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a complete football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm...)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?)
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If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a complete football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm...)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?)
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Funny Instructions on Consumer Goods
In Honour of Stupid People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.' (well,...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought????...)
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's just a suggestion.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (..I'm taking this because???.....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought????...)
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's just a suggestion.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (..I'm taking this because???.....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Can You Read This?
If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.
Only great minds can read this.
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. T ihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if yo u can raed tihs forwrad it.
Only great minds can read this.
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. T ihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if yo u can raed tihs forwrad it.
Some Lame "Love" E-mail
What would you do if every time you fell in love with someone you had to say good-bye?
What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy there would be 10 moments of sadness?
What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?
What would you do if you loved someone more than anything else and you could never have them?
Some people live and some people die.
But I want to tell you I love you
That I will always be here for you when and if you need me...
If I died tomorrow, you would be in my heart forever.
Would I be in yours?
If you care about the person who sent this to you then you will send it back.
Send this to all of your friends.
You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next year, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.
So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.
I truly cherish you.
Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to the person who sent it to you.
Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.
Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will.
What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy there would be 10 moments of sadness?
What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?
What would you do if you loved someone more than anything else and you could never have them?
Some people live and some people die.
But I want to tell you I love you
That I will always be here for you when and if you need me...
If I died tomorrow, you would be in my heart forever.
Would I be in yours?
If you care about the person who sent this to you then you will send it back.
Send this to all of your friends.
You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next year, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.
So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.
I truly cherish you.
Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to the person who sent it to you.
Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.
Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will.
Stella Awards
*These may or may not be true, it's just an e-mail, so take it for what it is worth.
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Lie beck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowners insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr... Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE :
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...
2ND PLACE :
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.
Go figure.
1ST PLACE :
(May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Lie beck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowners insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr... Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE :
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...
2ND PLACE :
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.
Go figure.
1ST PLACE :
(May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
More Jokes to Offend Everyone
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t.'
Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the UnitedStates
Via
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t.'
Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the UnitedStates
Via
Today's Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pie Man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb a--!"
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the Kings' men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
Hey Diddle, Diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.
Via
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pie Man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb a--!"
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the Kings' men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
Hey Diddle, Diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.
Via
A Hard Lesson
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.
“No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going t o take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”
via
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.
“No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going t o take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”
via
How to Get Out of a Speeding Ticket
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
Via
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
Via
Fun at the Waterpark
The guy has a backpack full of water with a small hose going down the back and out through the front to pull off this prank. He's lucky to be alive !
Yo Momma Jokes
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample.
Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.
Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.
Yo mama's so poor she had to put penny candy on layaway.
Yo Mama is so stupid it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama's so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits down the sea level rises.
Yo mama's so ugly she make a train take a dirt road.
Yo momma's so fat that she jumped up in the air and got stuck...
Yo mama's so fat that when she exhales, NASA records a CO2 spike and Al Gore gives another speech on global warming.
Yo mama's so fat, when she cuts herself she bleeds gravy.
Yo Momma's so fat, she wakes up in sections.
Yo Momma's so fat she fills up the tub, then adds water.
Yo Momma's so poor, she put a french fry on lay-away.
Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.
Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.
Yo mama's so poor she had to put penny candy on layaway.
Yo Mama is so stupid it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama's so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits down the sea level rises.
Yo mama's so ugly she make a train take a dirt road.
Yo momma's so fat that she jumped up in the air and got stuck...
Yo mama's so fat that when she exhales, NASA records a CO2 spike and Al Gore gives another speech on global warming.
Yo mama's so fat, when she cuts herself she bleeds gravy.
Yo Momma's so fat, she wakes up in sections.
Yo Momma's so fat she fills up the tub, then adds water.
Yo Momma's so poor, she put a french fry on lay-away.
A Folding Bottle
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, “A folding bottle.”
She said, “Okay. What do you call it?”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
Via
I said, “A folding bottle.”
She said, “Okay. What do you call it?”
“A Fottle.”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
“A Farton.”
She sniggered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
Via
Trouble Going to the Bathroom?
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”
”Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
”Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am.”
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
”I don’t wake up until seven.”
Via
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”
”Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
”Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am.”
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
”I don’t wake up until seven.”
Via
How to Lose Weight Sensibly
Put down your funnel between swills.
Seek immediate medical attention if a beer belch lasts longer than 4 hours.
Never eat longer than you can maintain your dignity.
Between meals, suck on a wino’s toothbrush.
Paste pictures of ankle-length cellulite on your refrigerator.
Never sit facing the dessert cart.
Avoid dining companions who belong to the Four Basic Food Groupies.
Steer clear of restaurants that allow you to graze unattended.
Never eat to forget.
As a last resort, consider gastric bypass surgery. This will allow food to drop directly from your mouth to your rectum, without providing any nutrition - just some very tense moments between gas stations.
Via
Seek immediate medical attention if a beer belch lasts longer than 4 hours.
Never eat longer than you can maintain your dignity.
Between meals, suck on a wino’s toothbrush.
Paste pictures of ankle-length cellulite on your refrigerator.
Never sit facing the dessert cart.
Avoid dining companions who belong to the Four Basic Food Groupies.
Steer clear of restaurants that allow you to graze unattended.
Never eat to forget.
As a last resort, consider gastric bypass surgery. This will allow food to drop directly from your mouth to your rectum, without providing any nutrition - just some very tense moments between gas stations.
Via
Grandmas and Grandpas
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his Granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” “Oh yes, Papa” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!”
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” “Oh yes, Papa” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!”
The Stupidist, Least Funny Jokes in the World - Laffy Taffy Jokes
How do you mend a broken jack o' lantern? -- with a pumpkin patch.
Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog
What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb
How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up
Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree
Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank
Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? -- he wanted to get the scoop
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle
What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around
What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.
What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed!
How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? -- Give him your credit card.
Why did they bury the battery? -- Because it was dead.
What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes
What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do?
What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip
Where do pigs park their cars? -- in a porking lot
Why did the banana leave the cinema? -- the film didn't appeal to him.
Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? -- because his mother was a 'wafer' so long.
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? -- He found a leek there.
What do you call a crab who plays baseball? -- a pinch-hitter
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? -- a martian mellow
How do you cut a man on the moon's hair? -- eclipse it
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence.
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus
Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly
What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you
What's brown and sticky? -- a stick
What's red and not there -- no tomatoes
What has 10 letters and starts with gas? -- Automobile.
Where does a general put his armies? -- In his sleevies.
What did the man say when he walked into a bar? -- "Ouch."
What are the strongest days of the week? -- Saturday and Sunday; every other is a weekday.
Why is it so hard to play poker in the jungle? -- Because there are so many cheetas.
What is the best time to see the dentist? -- Two thirty! (Tooth hurty)
Why dont seagulls fly over the bay? -- Because then they would be bay-gulls.
Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog
What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb
How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up
Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree
Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank
Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? -- he wanted to get the scoop
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle
What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around
What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.
What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed!
How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? -- Give him your credit card.
Why did they bury the battery? -- Because it was dead.
What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes
What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do?
What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip
Where do pigs park their cars? -- in a porking lot
Why did the banana leave the cinema? -- the film didn't appeal to him.
Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? -- because his mother was a 'wafer' so long.
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? -- He found a leek there.
What do you call a crab who plays baseball? -- a pinch-hitter
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? -- a martian mellow
How do you cut a man on the moon's hair? -- eclipse it
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence.
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus
Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly
What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you
What's brown and sticky? -- a stick
What's red and not there -- no tomatoes
What has 10 letters and starts with gas? -- Automobile.
Where does a general put his armies? -- In his sleevies.
What did the man say when he walked into a bar? -- "Ouch."
What are the strongest days of the week? -- Saturday and Sunday; every other is a weekday.
Why is it so hard to play poker in the jungle? -- Because there are so many cheetas.
What is the best time to see the dentist? -- Two thirty! (Tooth hurty)
Why dont seagulls fly over the bay? -- Because then they would be bay-gulls.
Remember the Signers of the Declaration of Independence
Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured.
Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.
Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.
Nine of the 56 fought and died during the Revolutionary War.
They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.
What kind of men were they?
Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if
they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Ellery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Rutledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, she later died of poor health.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.
So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured.
Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.
Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.
Nine of the 56 fought and died during the Revolutionary War.
They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.
What kind of men were they?
Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if
they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Ellery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Rutledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, she later died of poor health.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.
So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.
I Would Like All of Your Kittens
Original ad:
Litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.
From Mike Hunt to shannon@***.org
Hi,
I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?
Mike
From Shannon to Mike
Mike,
Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?
From Mike to Shannon
Shannon,
To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don’t worry though, I’ll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.
Mike
From Shannon to Mike
That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.
From Mike Hunt to Shannon
Shannon,
I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.
From Shannon to Mike
NO.
Litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.
From Mike Hunt to shannon@***.org
Hi,
I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?
Mike
From Shannon to Mike
Mike,
Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?
From Mike to Shannon
Shannon,
To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don’t worry though, I’ll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.
Mike
From Shannon to Mike
That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.
From Mike Hunt to Shannon
Shannon,
I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.
From Shannon to Mike
NO.
Where Do Babies Come From?
A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’
The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I fell for each other at first site in a chat room on yahoo after she was googling me.
I set up a date via e-mail and met with Mom at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a fire wall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said:
You've Got Male
Via
The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I fell for each other at first site in a chat room on yahoo after she was googling me.
I set up a date via e-mail and met with Mom at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a fire wall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said:
You've Got Male
Via
More Things to Ponder
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11.. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. Why does no one ever say, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning?
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
24. Why, if you send something by road in a car, it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea in a ship, it is called cargo?
25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
Via
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11.. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. Why does no one ever say, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning?
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
24. Why, if you send something by road in a car, it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea in a ship, it is called cargo?
25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
Via
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