How to Lose Weight Sensibly

Put down your funnel between swills.

Seek immediate medical attention if a beer belch lasts longer than 4 hours.

Never eat longer than you can maintain your dignity.

Between meals, suck on a wino’s toothbrush.

Paste pictures of ankle-length cellulite on your refrigerator.

Never sit facing the dessert cart.

Avoid dining companions who belong to the Four Basic Food Groupies.

Steer clear of restaurants that allow you to graze unattended.

Never eat to forget.

As a last resort, consider gastric bypass surgery. This will allow food to drop directly from your mouth to your rectum, without providing any nutrition - just some very tense moments between gas stations.


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