How do you mend a broken jack o' lantern? -- with a pumpkin patch.
Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog
What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb
How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up
Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich
Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles
If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree
Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank
Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? -- he wanted to get the scoop
Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle
What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around
What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.
What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed!
How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)
What do you do if a rhino charges you? -- Give him your credit card.
Why did they bury the battery? -- Because it was dead.
What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes
What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do?
What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip
Where do pigs park their cars? -- in a porking lot
Why did the banana leave the cinema? -- the film didn't appeal to him.
Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? -- because his mother was a 'wafer' so long.
Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? -- He found a leek there.
What do you call a crab who plays baseball? -- a pinch-hitter
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? -- a martian mellow
How do you cut a man on the moon's hair? -- eclipse it
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence.
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus
Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly
What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you
What's brown and sticky? -- a stick
What's red and not there -- no tomatoes
What has 10 letters and starts with gas? -- Automobile.
Where does a general put his armies? -- In his sleevies.
What did the man say when he walked into a bar? -- "Ouch."
What are the strongest days of the week? -- Saturday and Sunday; every other is a weekday.
Why is it so hard to play poker in the jungle? -- Because there are so many cheetas.
What is the best time to see the dentist? -- Two thirty! (Tooth hurty)
Why dont seagulls fly over the bay? -- Because then they would be bay-gulls.