YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three or four digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are YOUR AGE!
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Why English is so Hard to Learn
|
August 26, 2009
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Via
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Via
Dumb Politicans
|
August 25, 2009
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?"
I said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map."
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ."
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?"
The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?"
I said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map."
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ."
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?"
The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
Did You Ever Wonder?
|
August 19, 2009
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Thanks HQ!
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Thanks HQ!
Classy Insults
|
August 18, 2009
Sadly, we have lost the art of the well-crafted insult. Here are some examples of classy insults from a time gone by:
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
--Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
---Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder
Thanks HQ!
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
--Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
---Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder
Thanks HQ!
Random Nuggets of Knowledge
|
August 17, 2009
I don't know if any of these are actually true, so don't take it as gospel:
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half More than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king without a moustace.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin cells.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first Marlboro Man.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in viegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but, not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
Thanks HQ!
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half More than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king without a moustace.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin cells.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first Marlboro Man.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in viegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but, not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
Thanks HQ!
The Seed
|
August 15, 2009
A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.
Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.
He said, 'It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. 'The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. 'I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO.'
One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.
Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.
By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.
Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however. He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.
Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!
When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.
Jim just tried to hide in the back. 'My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,' said the CEO. 'Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!'
All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, 'The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!'
When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed - Jim told him the story.
The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, 'Behold your next Chief Executive Officer!
His name is Jim!' Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.
'How could he be the new CEO?' the others said.
Then the CEO said, 'One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow.
All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!'
* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment
* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective
* If you plant hard work, you will reap success
* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
* If you plant faith in Christ, you will reap a harvest
So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.
Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.
He said, 'It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. 'The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. 'I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO.'
One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.
Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.
By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.
Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however. He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.
Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!
When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.
Jim just tried to hide in the back. 'My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,' said the CEO. 'Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!'
All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, 'The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!'
When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed - Jim told him the story.
The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, 'Behold your next Chief Executive Officer!
His name is Jim!' Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.
'How could he be the new CEO?' the others said.
Then the CEO said, 'One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow.
All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!'
* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment
* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective
* If you plant hard work, you will reap success
* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
* If you plant faith in Christ, you will reap a harvest
So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.
Actual Golf Course Phone Calls
|
August 14, 2009
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it..,,,
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes. Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.. Would you like to buy them back?
Via
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it..,,,
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes. Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.. Would you like to buy them back?
Via
Random Facts that May or May Not be True
|
August 13, 2009
In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.
Odontophobia is the fear of teeth.
In the early days of the telephone, operators would pick up a call and use the phrase, "Well, are you there?" It wasn't until 1895 that someone suggested answering the phone with the phrase "number please?"
Cats sleep 13 to 16 hours per day.
The most common name in the world is Muhammad.
On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
A skunk's smell can be detected by a human a mile away.
Diet Coke was only invented in 1982.
The Australian $5 to $100 notes are made of plastic.
Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. Any cup-shaped object placed over the ear produces the same effect.
Children grow faster in the springtime.
Many Indians find toilet paper repellent and consider it cleaner to splash water with the left hand in the appropriate direction. Consequently, the left hand is considered unclean and is never used for eating.
The English word “girl” was initially used to describe a young person of either sex. It was not until the beginning of the sixteenth century that the term was used specifically to describe a female child
People have committed suicide in an endless variety of ways, including swallowing
poisonous spiders, power-drilling holes in their heads, sticking hot pokers down their throats, choking on underwear, injecting peanut butter into their veins, crushing their necks in vices, and hurling themselves into vats of beer.
Thanks HQ!
Odontophobia is the fear of teeth.
In the early days of the telephone, operators would pick up a call and use the phrase, "Well, are you there?" It wasn't until 1895 that someone suggested answering the phone with the phrase "number please?"
Cats sleep 13 to 16 hours per day.
The most common name in the world is Muhammad.
On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
A skunk's smell can be detected by a human a mile away.
Diet Coke was only invented in 1982.
The Australian $5 to $100 notes are made of plastic.
Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. Any cup-shaped object placed over the ear produces the same effect.
Children grow faster in the springtime.
Many Indians find toilet paper repellent and consider it cleaner to splash water with the left hand in the appropriate direction. Consequently, the left hand is considered unclean and is never used for eating.
The English word “girl” was initially used to describe a young person of either sex. It was not until the beginning of the sixteenth century that the term was used specifically to describe a female child
People have committed suicide in an endless variety of ways, including swallowing
poisonous spiders, power-drilling holes in their heads, sticking hot pokers down their throats, choking on underwear, injecting peanut butter into their veins, crushing their necks in vices, and hurling themselves into vats of beer.
Thanks HQ!
Funny 911 Calls
|
August 12, 2009
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn, I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Thanks HQ!
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn, I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Thanks HQ!
Awful Pick Up Lines
|
August 11, 2009
Oh my gosh, I though I was gay then I met you.
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Excuse me, I've been noticing you not noticing me.
Man: Excuse me did you just feel my butt?
Girl: No.
Man: Why not?
Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Excuse me, is that your perfume that you're wearing?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Kiss me if I am wrong, but isn't your name (take a guess)...Janice?
You say: "I bet you $20 I can kiss you without using my lips."
She says: "Bet's on."
You kiss her then say: "I lost."
You: "Did it hurt."
The other person will naturally say: "Did what hurt?"
You: "When you fell from heaven."
You look so sweet your givin' me a toothache.
Your so hot when I look at you I get a tan.
You've been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.
Do you mind if I hang out here until it's safe back where I farted.
I know I'm not a grocery item but I can tell when you're checking me out.
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
Her: No.
Well then, please start.
Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
Hey I just realized this, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Thanks HQ!
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Excuse me, I've been noticing you not noticing me.
Man: Excuse me did you just feel my butt?
Girl: No.
Man: Why not?
Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Excuse me, is that your perfume that you're wearing?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Kiss me if I am wrong, but isn't your name (take a guess)...Janice?
You say: "I bet you $20 I can kiss you without using my lips."
She says: "Bet's on."
You kiss her then say: "I lost."
You: "Did it hurt."
The other person will naturally say: "Did what hurt?"
You: "When you fell from heaven."
You look so sweet your givin' me a toothache.
Your so hot when I look at you I get a tan.
You've been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.
Do you mind if I hang out here until it's safe back where I farted.
I know I'm not a grocery item but I can tell when you're checking me out.
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
Her: No.
Well then, please start.
Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
Hey I just realized this, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Thanks HQ!
Before and After Marriage
|
August 10, 2009
BEFORE - You take my breath away.AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.
BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
BEFORE - Don't stop.
AFTER - Don't start.
BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.
BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem
BEFORE - We agree on everything.
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom
BEFORE - I love a woman with curves.
AFTER - I never said you were fat.
BEFORE - Time stood still.AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.
BEFORE - You look so seductive in black.
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.
BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Good Night
BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end
Psychopath Test
|
August 9, 2009
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right. Few people do.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him after the funeral. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn’t answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your
off my e-mail list.
Thanks HQ!
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him after the funeral. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn’t answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your
off my e-mail list.
Thanks HQ!
98% or 2%?
|
August 8, 2009
At the end of this message, you are asked a question.
Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.
Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the test."
Now. just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. Do not go to the next
calculation before you have finished the previous one. You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.
You'll be surprised.
Start:
How much is:
15 + 6
3 + 56
89 + 2
12 + 53
75 + 26
25 + 52
63 + 32
I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over. Come on, one more!
123+5
QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!
Scroll further, to the bottom.
A bit more.
You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?
If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different if not abnormal, mind. 98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise. If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.
Thanks Hind Q.!
Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.
Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the test."
Now. just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. Do not go to the next
calculation before you have finished the previous one. You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.
You'll be surprised.
Start:
How much is:
15 + 6
3 + 56
89 + 2
12 + 53
75 + 26
25 + 52
63 + 32
I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over. Come on, one more!
123+5
QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!
Scroll further, to the bottom.
A bit more.
You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?
If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different if not abnormal, mind. 98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise. If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.
Thanks Hind Q.!
How Old am I?
|
August 2, 2009
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
She replies, "I guess about 29." " Nope, I'm 47."
Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks a senior gentleman the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "Promise," she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Thanks Hind Q!
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
She replies, "I guess about 29." " Nope, I'm 47."
Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks a senior gentleman the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "Promise," she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Thanks Hind Q!
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