Funny e-mail forwards, jokes, silly stuff and more. Visit often for the latest funny e-mails!

Whipped Ocean

| September 30, 2009
Suddenly the shoreline north of Sydney was transformed into the Cappuccino Coast. Foam swallowed an entire beach and half, the nearby buildings, including the local lifeguards' center, in a freak display of nature at Yamba in New South Wales. One minute a group of teenage surfers were waiting to catch a wave, the next they were swallowed up in a giant bubble bath. The foam was so light that they could puff it out of their hands and watch it float away.


Boy in the bubble bath: Tom Woods, 12, emerges from the clouds of foam after deciding that surfing was not an option. It stretched for 30 miles out into the Pacific in a phenomenon not seen at the beach for more than three decades. Scientists explain that the foam is created by impurities in the ocean, such as salts, chemicals, dead plants, decomposed fish and excretions from seaweed. All are churned up together by powerful currents which cause the water to form bubbles. These bubbles stick to each other as they are carried below the surface by the current towards the shore. As a wave starts to form on the surface, the motion of the water causes the bubbles to swirl upwards and, massed together, they become foam. The foam 'surfs' towards shore until the wave 'crashes,' tossing the foam into the air.


Whitewash: The foam was so thick it came all the way up to the surf club. 'It's the same effect you get when you whip up a milk shake in a blender,' explains a marine expert. 'The more powerful the swirl, the more foam you create on the surface and the lighter it becomes. In this case, storms off the New South Wales Coast and further north off Queensland had created a huge disturbance in the ocean, hitting a stretch of water where there was a particularly high amount of the substances which form into bubbles. As for 12-year-old beach goer Tom Woods, who has been surfing since he was two, riding a wave was out of the question. 'Me and my mates just spent the afternoon leaping about in that stuff,' he said. 'It was quite cool to touch and it was really weird. It was like clouds of air - you could hardly feel it.'

Someone is Watching Out for This Guy

| September 28, 2009


Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert, where the people are standing on the road, pointing.

The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail.

It flipped end-over-end bounced off and across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling.

The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.

Just outside Flagstaff , AZ , on U.S. Hwy 100.

Now, look at the second picture below.

Vicks VapoRub

| September 25, 2009
(Note this is not medical adivce, it's just for your consideration)

During a lecture on Essential Oils, they told us how the foot soles can absorb oils.

Their example: Put garlic on your feet and within 20 minutes you can 'taste' it.

Some of us have used Vicks VapoRub for years for everything from chapped lips to sore toes and many body parts in between. But I've never heard of this. And don't laugh, it works 100% of the time, although the scientists who discovered it aren't sure why. To stop night time coughing in a child (or adult as we found out personally), put Vicks Vapo rub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime, then cover with socks. Even persistent, heavy, deep coughing will stop in about 5 minutes and stay stopped for many, many hours of relief. Works 100% of the time and is more effective in children than even very strong prescription cough medicines. In addition it is extremely soothing and comforting and they will sleep soundly.

Just happened to tune in A.M. Radio and picked up this guy talking about why cough medicines in kids often do more harm than good, due to the chemical makeup of these strong drugs so, I listened. Vicks was a surprise finding and found to be more effective than prescribed medicines for children at bedtime, in addition to have a soothing and calming effect on sick children who then went on to sleep soundly.

My wife tried it on herself when she had a very deep constant and persistent cough a few weeks ago and it worked 100%! She said that it felt like a warm blanket had enveloped her, coughing stopped in a few minutes and believe me, this was a deep, every few seconds uncontrollable cough, and she slept cough-free for hours every night that she used it.

Video: Don't Mess With Grandma

| September 23, 2009
video

Spell Your Name

| September 20, 2009
NO ERASING MESS UPS!!!
This is funny, especially if someone walks in the room while your doing this.

Spell your name:
kayla

backwards:
alyak

Spell it with your Elbow:
mk Zayglt,kza

Spell it with your eyes shut:
kayla

Spell it with your forehead:
kioweypo;lqwa2

Spell it with your nose:
kaylsa

Spell it with your chin:
k,zasxyhlkszqa

So send this to all your friends, and to the person that sent it to you. We want to see how you do!

Thanks Kayla!

Anagram Fun

| September 17, 2009
Internet Anagram Server = Isn’t rearrangement rave?

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Dictionary = Indicatory

Schoolmaster = The classroom

Elvis = Lives

Listen = Silent

Clint Eastwood = Old West Action

Madam Curie = Radium came

A telephone girl = Repeating “Hello”

Western Union = No Wire Unsent

The country side = No City Dust Here

Evangelist = Evil’s Agent

Astronomers = Moon starers / No more stars

Postmaster = Stamp Store

A telescope = To see place

The eyes = They see

The cockroach = Cook, catch her

Waitress = A stew, Sir?

The centenarians = I can hear ten “tens”

Desperation = A rope ends it

I run to escape = A persecution

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in’em

Conversation = Voices Rant On

Disraeli = I lead, Sir.

Clothespins = So let’s pinch

Mr. Mojo risin’ = Jim Morrison
(from the Doors song, “L.A. Woman”)

The Great New York Rapid Transit Tunnel = Giant work in street, partly underneath

Florence Nightingale = Nigel, Fetch an Iron Leg / Flit on Cheering Angel

MacDonalds = Clam and Sod

Darling I love you = leaving your idol / Avoiding our yell

Butterfly = Flutter-by

Heavy Rain? = Hire a Navy!

Tom Cruise = So I’m Cuter

Animosity = Is No Amity

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Funeral = Real Fun

Protectionism = Nice to imports

A domesticated animal = Docile, as a man Tamed it

The Railroad Train = Hi! I Rattle and Roar

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss = Stroller on Go, Amasses Nothing

Sunshine and Shadow = Show in Sun and Shade

The Check is in the Mail = Claim “Heck, I sent it (heh)”

The United States Bureau of Fisheries = I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z’s

Vacation Times = I’m Not as Active

Software = Swear Oft

Sycophant = Acts phony

Silicon Graphics = A Long Chip Crisis / Can logic ship, sir? / Gosh, sir, I can clip!

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

The Detectives = Detect Thieves

The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man

Semolina = Is No Meal

The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom

Christmas tree = Search, Set, Trim

A Gentleman = Elegant Man

Presbyterians = Best In Prayers = Britney Spears

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I’m a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Salman Rushdie = Read, Shun Islam

Martin Scorsese = Screen is a storm

Barbie doll = I’ll bare bod / Babe I’d roll / Liberal bod

Student Information Processing Board = Computation Transgression Forbidden

Statue of Liberty = Built to Stay Free

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Patrick Stewart = A Crap Trek Twist

Mel Gibson = Bong Smile

Admirer = Married

Indomitableness = Endless ambition

New York Times = Monkeys write / Monkey writes

Television programming = Permeating living rooms

David Letterman = Nerd amid late TV

Howard Stern = Retard shown

Contradiction = Accord not in it

Debit card = Bad credit

God save us all = Salvaged soul

The Male, Female Dictionary

| September 16, 2009
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
For a female: Any part under a car's hood.
For a male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

New State Slogans

| September 15, 2009
Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: Without Atlanta We're Alabama

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... OK, Maybe Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: 5 Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajuns

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a F**kin' Motto? I Got Yer F**kin' Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl -- It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not Really An Island

South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: A Whole 'Nother Country!

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

Retirement

| September 14, 2009
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There's not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why do retirees not mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: Stupid.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He's too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Never Forget 09/11/01

| September 11, 2009
Never Forget


World Trade Center



The Pentagon



Flight 93

Stimulus Explained

|
Remember when most tax payers recieved a stimulus check, in the hopes we would go spend the money, and stimulate the economy? Well here is something funny I came across, regarding that money. A little late, but still funny.

The Stimulus Explained

This year we taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

Spending it at yard sales.
Going to ball games.
Spending it on prostitutes.
Beer.
Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

Thanks Chappy!

Analogies and Metaphors

| September 10, 2009
These are all from college essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

collegeHouse-Rules-Dorm-Posters.jpgFrom the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

High Priced Bull

| September 8, 2009
Old man Frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, “How’s our bull doing?”

Frank says, “Our bull ain’t doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don’t want nothing to do with them.”

The banker says, “You better call the veterinarian.” Frank agrees.

A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, “How’s our bull doing now?”

Frank says, “Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors’ cows.”

The banker says, “Wow! What did the Vet give him?”

Frank says, “He gave him some pills.”

The banker says, “What kind of pills?”

Frank says, “I don’t know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint.”

Worst Fake ID Ever

| September 5, 2009
Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $5000.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $50.00
Putting you & your girlfriend’s photo on your fake driver’s license = PRICELESS

The 1940 Tour De France

| September 4, 2009
Very Rare Photo of Tour de France, 1940:

A Game of Skill

| September 3, 2009
The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes. Give it a try but be careful, it is addictive! Air Force Test

Going to Walmart

| September 2, 2009
Going to Wal-Mart By Age Scenario:

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Wal- Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think you heard someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

We Have to Let You Go

| September 1, 2009


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