Effective January 1, 2010
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you can not handle a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Funny e-mail forwards, jokes, silly stuff and more. Visit often for the latest funny e-mails!
Growing up in the 80's
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning, uphill, barefoot, both ways... Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it.
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy. I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia. I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it.
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in
The card catalog.
There was no email. We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen. Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there. Stamps were 10 cents.
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butt. Nowhere was safe.
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes. If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up.
I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it.
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy. I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia. I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it.
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in
The card catalog.
There was no email. We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen. Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there. Stamps were 10 cents.
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butt. Nowhere was safe.
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes. If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up.
There were no CD players. We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.
We didn't have fancy crap like "call waiting." If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it.
There weren't any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a phone call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends."
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, the collection agent; you just didn't know. You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister.
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. We had the Atari 2600. With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids." Your screen guy was a little square. You actually had to use your imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen, forever. And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died. Just like life.
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on.
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing. You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel. No remotes.
There was no Cartoon Network either. You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. We had to wait all week for cartoons.
We didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove.
Our parents told us to stay outside and play, all day long; and if you came back inside you were doing chores.
Car seats, weren't used. Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly. If your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place.
How Big is WalMart?
1. At Wal-Mart, customers world wide spend $42,754,109 every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $41,400 profit every minute.
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 2 million people worldwide and is the largest private employer.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World (as measured by revenue).
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, keeping in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 4,253 stores in the USA of which 2,610 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
11. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/business/bigwalmart.asp
2. This works out to $41,400 profit every minute.
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 2 million people worldwide and is the largest private employer.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World (as measured by revenue).
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, keeping in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 4,253 stores in the USA of which 2,610 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
11. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/business/bigwalmart.asp
Sappy E-mail About Love
When a boy is quiet millions of things are running in his mind.
When a boy is not arguing he is thinking deeply.
When a boy looks at you with eyes full of questions he is wondering how long you will be around.
When a boy answers,"I'm fine" after a few seconds he is not at all fine.
When a boy stares at you he is wondering why you are lying.
When a boy lets you lay on his chest he is wishing for you to be his forever.
When a boy wants to see you everyday he wants to be yours forever.
When a boy says, "I love you" he means it.
When a boy says, "I miss you" no one in this world can miss you more than that.
Life only comes around once, so make sure you spend it with the right person.
Find a guy who calls you, "beautiful" instead of,"hot."
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns to his friends and says, "That's her!"
If you have a lot of love for someone, forward this to your whole list.
Soon your true love will call, instant message, text, e-mail, or come to your house.
If you break this chain, you will be cursed with relationship problems for the most important time of your life.
Thanks Jasmin!
When a boy is not arguing he is thinking deeply.
When a boy looks at you with eyes full of questions he is wondering how long you will be around.
When a boy answers,"I'm fine" after a few seconds he is not at all fine.
When a boy stares at you he is wondering why you are lying.
When a boy lets you lay on his chest he is wishing for you to be his forever.
When a boy wants to see you everyday he wants to be yours forever.
When a boy says, "I love you" he means it.
When a boy says, "I miss you" no one in this world can miss you more than that.
Life only comes around once, so make sure you spend it with the right person.
Find a guy who calls you, "beautiful" instead of,"hot."
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns to his friends and says, "That's her!"
If you have a lot of love for someone, forward this to your whole list.
Soon your true love will call, instant message, text, e-mail, or come to your house.
If you break this chain, you will be cursed with relationship problems for the most important time of your life.
Thanks Jasmin!
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