There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see
everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, “now that you can see the world, will you marry me?” The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him. Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying:
“Just take care of my eyes dear.”
This is how human brain changes when statuses change. Only few remember what life was before, and who’s always been there even in the most painful situations.
Life is a gift.
Today before you think of saying an unkind word – think of someone who can’t speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food – think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife – think of someone who is crying out to God for a companion.
Today before you complain about life – think of someone who went too early to heaven.
Before you complain about your children – think of someone who desires children but they’re barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house, someone didn’t clean or sweep – think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive – think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job – think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another – remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down – put a smile on your face and thank God you’re alive and still around.
Life is a gift – Live it, Enjoy it, Celebrate it, and Fulfill it.
Thanks Jade K.!
Showing posts with label cute. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cute. Show all posts
Dear Dad
Letter home from school...
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
A week later..... a letter from "home"
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
A week later..... a letter from "home"
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
35 Life Truths
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
Find True Love
If you don't forward this, you will be single for a very long time. When you forward it, put one or more of the following in the subject line:
A-P-P-L-E (If you are taken.)
B-L-U-E-B-E-R-R-Y (If you absolutly adore someone.)
B-A-N-A-N-A (If you are confused.)
C-H-E-R-R-Y(If you like someone but not sure how they feel about you.)
G-R-A-P-E (If your single.)
L-E-M-O-N (If you have given up.)
P-E-A-C-H (If there's no point in liking the person you like.)
P-I-N-E-A-P-P-L-E (If your just taking life as it comes.)
S-T-R-A-W-B-E-R-R-Y (If you like someone and they like you but you'renot going out.)
Send this to 10 people, and in 6 months you will find the love of your life.
Thanks Jasmin!
A-P-P-L-E (If you are taken.)
B-L-U-E-B-E-R-R-Y (If you absolutly adore someone.)
B-A-N-A-N-A (If you are confused.)
C-H-E-R-R-Y(If you like someone but not sure how they feel about you.)
G-R-A-P-E (If your single.)
L-E-M-O-N (If you have given up.)
P-E-A-C-H (If there's no point in liking the person you like.)
P-I-N-E-A-P-P-L-E (If your just taking life as it comes.)
S-T-R-A-W-B-E-R-R-Y (If you like someone and they like you but you'renot going out.)
Send this to 10 people, and in 6 months you will find the love of your life.
Thanks Jasmin!
Art Theif
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)
Well, I figured I have nothing Toulouse.
Via
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)
Well, I figured I have nothing Toulouse.
Via
Funny Snail Jokes
A snail goes to a used car lot to buy a car. The sales person asks, "What are you looking for in a car?"
The snail says, "I want a really fast car with big side doors so I can write a huge "S" on each door."
The salesman says, "That's a weird request, why?"
The snail says, "Because when I drive through town I want people to say, "Look at that S-Car-Go!"
A farmer hears a knock at his door late one winter's night. He opens his door, looks around and looks down and there, at his doorstep, is a snail. The snail says, "Can I come in, I'm really coooooold?"
The Farmer says, "No, get outta here you stupid snail," and kicks him across the garden.
Spring comes, then summer then fall and before you know it, it's winter again, The farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, looks around and sees that same snail from last year, who says, "What did you do that for?"
Why did the snail cross the road?
I don't know - but I'll let you know when it gets here!
What is the definition of a slug?
A snail with a housing problem!
A snail walks into a bank to make a deposit. Then a turtle comes in and robs the bank.
Afterward, the police are interviewing the snail and asks him to recount what had happened, The snail says, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
What do you do when two snails have a fight?
Leave them to slug it out!
What does a snail say when it rides on a turtles back?
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
I took my new snail buddy home with me today. He took one look at my house and said,
"Wow! I wouldn't want to carry that on my back!"
Thanks Alishia!
The snail says, "I want a really fast car with big side doors so I can write a huge "S" on each door."
The salesman says, "That's a weird request, why?"
The snail says, "Because when I drive through town I want people to say, "Look at that S-Car-Go!"
A farmer hears a knock at his door late one winter's night. He opens his door, looks around and looks down and there, at his doorstep, is a snail. The snail says, "Can I come in, I'm really coooooold?"
The Farmer says, "No, get outta here you stupid snail," and kicks him across the garden.
Spring comes, then summer then fall and before you know it, it's winter again, The farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, looks around and sees that same snail from last year, who says, "What did you do that for?"
Why did the snail cross the road?
I don't know - but I'll let you know when it gets here!
What is the definition of a slug?
A snail with a housing problem!
A snail walks into a bank to make a deposit. Then a turtle comes in and robs the bank.
Afterward, the police are interviewing the snail and asks him to recount what had happened, The snail says, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
What do you do when two snails have a fight?
Leave them to slug it out!
What does a snail say when it rides on a turtles back?
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
I took my new snail buddy home with me today. He took one look at my house and said,
"Wow! I wouldn't want to carry that on my back!"
Thanks Alishia!
Kids Say the Darndest Things
TEACHER:
Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:
Here it is.
TEACHER:
Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:
Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER:
John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER:
No, that's wrong.
GLENN:
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:
H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:
What are you talking about?
DONALD:
Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:
Me!
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE:
I is.
TEACHER:
No, Millie. Always say, "I am."
MILLIE:
Alright. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:
Because George still had the axe in his hand.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:
No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:
No, sir. It's the same dog.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:
A teacher.
Thanks Marley!
Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:
Here it is.
TEACHER:
Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:
Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER:
John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER:
No, that's wrong.
GLENN:
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:
H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:
What are you talking about?
DONALD:
Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:
Me!
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE:
I is.
TEACHER:
No, Millie. Always say, "I am."
MILLIE:
Alright. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:
Because George still had the axe in his hand.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:
No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:
No, sir. It's the same dog.
_____________________________________
TEACHER:
Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:
A teacher.
Thanks Marley!
Excellent Advice Cowboys
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
13 Things Santa Won't Tell You
1. Never force your screaming kid onto my lap. Just bring him close and give me a few minutes. I’ve got plenty of tricks up my sleeve.
2. Some of us get bonuses for making our daily photo quota. So please forgive me if I try to move things along.
3. I make around $10,000 a season doing this, but cut me some slack. Between October and December, most of us work about forty 10-hour days and listen to 30,000 children.
4. Wondering why both of my white-gloved hands are always where you can see them? Ask my lawyer.
5. I’m sorry Grandma is in heaven or that Mom and Dad have split up. But even Santa can only do so much, so let’s just stick with what you’d like to unwrap on the big day.
6. Want to have more than just a few seconds with me? Skip the mall. Let’s meet at your kid’s preschool or a photo studio that invites Santa in for special portraits.
7. As a matter of fact, I did go to school for this. Topics of study: how to hold children, manage sticky conversations, and care for my hair and beard.
8. I don’t have total recall. Don’t come back after a few minutes and ask what your kid requested. Stand close enough to listen.
9. Those of us with real beards think we’re superior. But the best of the rest of us pay as much as $3,000 to wig makers to make us authentic-looking whiskers.
10. I see you vigorously nodding your head, but even so, I will never, ever promise anything to a child.
11. Boys tend to give it to you straight: “I want a Game Boy and a remote control car.” Little girls want to explain everything.
12. Is Santa real? “Well,” I reply, pinching myself and grimacing, “I feel real.”
13. I’ve been kicked in the shins, hit in the groin, scratched, bitten, and peed on. But there’s a reason I keep doing this year after year: This is the best work I’ve ever found.
2. Some of us get bonuses for making our daily photo quota. So please forgive me if I try to move things along.
3. I make around $10,000 a season doing this, but cut me some slack. Between October and December, most of us work about forty 10-hour days and listen to 30,000 children.
4. Wondering why both of my white-gloved hands are always where you can see them? Ask my lawyer.
5. I’m sorry Grandma is in heaven or that Mom and Dad have split up. But even Santa can only do so much, so let’s just stick with what you’d like to unwrap on the big day.
6. Want to have more than just a few seconds with me? Skip the mall. Let’s meet at your kid’s preschool or a photo studio that invites Santa in for special portraits.
7. As a matter of fact, I did go to school for this. Topics of study: how to hold children, manage sticky conversations, and care for my hair and beard.
8. I don’t have total recall. Don’t come back after a few minutes and ask what your kid requested. Stand close enough to listen.
9. Those of us with real beards think we’re superior. But the best of the rest of us pay as much as $3,000 to wig makers to make us authentic-looking whiskers.
10. I see you vigorously nodding your head, but even so, I will never, ever promise anything to a child.
11. Boys tend to give it to you straight: “I want a Game Boy and a remote control car.” Little girls want to explain everything.
12. Is Santa real? “Well,” I reply, pinching myself and grimacing, “I feel real.”
13. I’ve been kicked in the shins, hit in the groin, scratched, bitten, and peed on. But there’s a reason I keep doing this year after year: This is the best work I’ve ever found.
Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:
Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear, under white shorts.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear, under white shorts.
Giving Pills to an Animal
How to Give a Cat a Pill:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later..
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later..
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
12 Signs You Are in Love
12 signs that you are in love:
TWELVE :
You walk really slowly when you are with them.
ELEVEN:
You feel shy whenever they are around.
TEN:
You smile when you hear their voice.
NINE:
When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
SEVEN:
They are all you think about.
SIX:
You realize you are always smiling when you are looking at them.
FIVE:
You would do anything just to see them.
FOUR:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.
THREE:
You just smiled because it's true.
TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number eight was missing.
ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.
Thanks Jasmin!
TWELVE :
You walk really slowly when you are with them.
ELEVEN:
You feel shy whenever they are around.
TEN:
You smile when you hear their voice.
NINE:
When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
SEVEN:
They are all you think about.
SIX:
You realize you are always smiling when you are looking at them.
FIVE:
You would do anything just to see them.
FOUR:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.
THREE:
You just smiled because it's true.
TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number eight was missing.
ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.
Thanks Jasmin!
Definitions for Parents
Amnesia:
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Two-Minute Warning:
When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies into it.
Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids want ice cream.
Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart at the dinner table, to avoid a food fight.
Feedback:
The gift your kids give you. Even when it’s not your birthday.
Full Name:
What you call your child when you’re mad at them.
Hear-say:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.
Sterilize:
What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Who-dunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Two-Minute Warning:
When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies into it.
Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids want ice cream.
Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart at the dinner table, to avoid a food fight.
Feedback:
The gift your kids give you. Even when it’s not your birthday.
Full Name:
What you call your child when you’re mad at them.
Hear-say:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.
Sterilize:
What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
Who-dunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.
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