How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
Grizzly bear vs toyota
Last Monday morning he came out to find the inside of his 18 month old Toyota Sequoia trashed. A grizzly bear had somehow got a door open (easy considering the way the handles are) and once inside got trapped when the door shut behind him. Probably the wind. The Toyota was a platinum edition, all the door panels were ripped off, the headliner torn to pieces, all headrests, the leather seats, the dash shredded. The steering column was twisted sideways. Two of the six airbags went off, the other four the bear ripped to pieces. You can imagine a trapped grizzly being hit with an airbag in an enclosed space must have figured he was in for the fight of his life. When the bear ripped off the door panels he clawed all the wiring harnesses out. Toyota figures every wire he pulled or clawed at resulted in bells, voices or sparks. The head mechanic at Calgary Toyota doubted if they had the expertise to put it back together. To add insult to injury the bear took a big dump in the back of the SUV and then broke out the rear window.
note the claw holes in the dash above...
Fish and wildlife officers have inspected the damage and figure it was a 3 year old grizzly.
From blood left behind they are doing DNA. The vehicle has been written off,
cost new over $70,000 they stopped counting repair costs at $60,000.
From blood left behind they are doing DNA. The vehicle has been written off,
cost new over $70,000 they stopped counting repair costs at $60,000.
Another senior moment...
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream "prejudice' these days ...
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage???"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish???"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian???
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German???
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish???
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican???
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish???"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish???"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage???"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish???"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian???
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German???
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish???
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican???
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish???"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish???"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
The Second Coming
The Pope had called together a meeting of the cardinals and said, "I have some good news for you and some bad news. The good news is this. Our blessed Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, has returned to earth for the long-awaited Second Coming, and the Day of Judgment is at hand."
There was an exalted silence for a few moments and then one cardinal said, "But Holy Father, with good news like that, what's the bad news?"
The Pope mopped his forehead with his handkerchief and said, "The information has reached us from Salt Lake City."
- Asimov Laughs Again: More than 700 Favorite Jokes, Limericks, and Anecdotes
There was an exalted silence for a few moments and then one cardinal said, "But Holy Father, with good news like that, what's the bad news?"
The Pope mopped his forehead with his handkerchief and said, "The information has reached us from Salt Lake City."
- Asimov Laughs Again: More than 700 Favorite Jokes, Limericks, and Anecdotes
Holding a Rope
Eleven people were hanging on a rope
Under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything
For her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices
With little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping...
Under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman,
She was used to giving up everything
For her husband and kids or for men in general,
And was used to always making sacrifices
With little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping...
What a Man Needs
Rule 1) A man needs a women who he can trust unconditionally.
Rule 2) The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. A man needs a women who cooks for him once in a while.
Rule 3) A man needs a women to balance him out when he makes poor decisions.
Rule 4) A man needs a women that enjoys being with him and makes love to him often.
Rule 5) These 4 women must never, ever, ever find out about each other.
Rule 2) The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. A man needs a women who cooks for him once in a while.
Rule 3) A man needs a women to balance him out when he makes poor decisions.
Rule 4) A man needs a women that enjoys being with him and makes love to him often.
Rule 5) These 4 women must never, ever, ever find out about each other.
Deer Hunting
Getting ready for deer season I did all my prep-work early. I scouted the area all summer.
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand. I set it all up a month ahead of time.
I trailed the herd, and I picked out a trophy buck.
Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt. Everything was in place.
Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am, I put on my camo, loaded my pack, and set out for my stand.
This was destined to be an epic hunt.
I approached my deer stand
And changed my mind... decided to go to church instead.
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand. I set it all up a month ahead of time.
I trailed the herd, and I picked out a trophy buck.
Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt. Everything was in place.
Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am, I put on my camo, loaded my pack, and set out for my stand.
This was destined to be an epic hunt.
I approached my deer stand
And changed my mind... decided to go to church instead.
Three Men and a River
Three men were hiking through a forest
When they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs.
And he was able to swim across in just two hours, though he almost drowned twice!
After seeing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!!!
God gave him a kayak and strong arms and strong legs.
And he was able to row across the river in about an hour, though he almost capsized once!
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof!!!
HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!
She then checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream
and walked across the bridge.
When they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs.
And he was able to swim across in just two hours, though he almost drowned twice!
After seeing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!!!
God gave him a kayak and strong arms and strong legs.
And he was able to row across the river in about an hour, though he almost capsized once!
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof!!!
HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!
She then checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream
and walked across the bridge.
An Obituary for Common Sense
An Obituary for Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you remember him, pass this on.
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