A WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN’S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.
Via
How to Fail a Test with Dignity
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"James Bond"
"Because he slept with his bosses wife"
Not a test, true, but he managed to preserve his dignity.
"Here it is"
Ooops.
"Up. Down."
"Ice"
"Very funny Peter."
"She's a woman"
"No, there is an elephant in the way."
"God made it that way."
"Because he slept with his bosses wife"
Not a test, true, but he managed to preserve his dignity.
"Here it is"
Ooops.
"Up. Down."
"Ice"
"Very funny Peter."
"She's a woman"
"No, there is an elephant in the way."
"God made it that way."
Don't Invite This Guy Over For Free Beers
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May 28, 2009
Guys like this are the reason BYOB was invented.
Children's Books That Were Never Published
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"The wimp who didn't chase his ball across the street"
"You're never too young to Masturbate"
"Let’s throw Rocks at Retards"
"The Shame Of Adoption."
"Let's Run Along The Highway"
"The Secret At The Bottom Of The Pool"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Whatever happened to the Little Sissy Who Snitched?"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Katie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"The Fallacy of Looking Both Ways Before You Cross the Street"
"You're never too young to Masturbate"
"Let’s throw Rocks at Retards"
"The Shame Of Adoption."
"Let's Run Along The Highway"
"The Secret At The Bottom Of The Pool"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Whatever happened to the Little Sissy Who Snitched?"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Katie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"The Fallacy of Looking Both Ways Before You Cross the Street"
Government Job
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May 27, 2009
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’tyou want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Via
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’tyou want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Via
The Benefits of Breast Milk
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May 26, 2009
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
Funny Doctor Exams
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May 22, 2009
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs – and I was in the wrong one!
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed my stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion, she answered… ‘Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’
‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patients dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN, no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Submitted by a Doctor who wouldn’t give his name, for obvious reasons.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs – and I was in the wrong one!
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed my stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion, she answered… ‘Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’
‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patients dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN, no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Submitted by a Doctor who wouldn’t give his name, for obvious reasons.
School Lunch From Around the World
|
May 21, 2009
NOTICE: Due to passionate interest in the topic of school lunch, I have just started a blog on just school lunches. Please submit pictures of school lunches from where you live, or any that you might find interesting. The blog is: http://whatsforschoollunch.blogspot.com/ Thanks!
School lunch usually doesn't represent the best that a countries culinary scene has to offer. In America, at least, the food is usually pretty bad. This e-mail is making fun of school lunch, not of the country of origin.
I'll be the first to admit that I am no culinary expert. If the original author of this e-mail was wrong, I apologize. I mean no offense to anyone by posting it, and would personally try every item on every tray. If you know what an item is, let me know, and I will update it.
Update:
I have found some additional school lunches from other countries:
Japan (I swear the site where I found this said Thailand)
Sweden
China
Malawi
Korea: Tofu soup, a banana, some noodle stuff, broccoli?, kimchi, and rice.
Korea: Kimchi, rice, soup, some greens, and some white thingies.
Update: Mae comments: The white thingies in the Korean lunch is mandoo, kinda like potstickers.
Korea: Kimchi, a fish, some seaweed looking thing, and some colorful mystery items.
Update: valerio comments: Top right of tray is spicy squid. Top right plate is pickled radish.
Japan: Rice, some dry seaweed(?), an orange wedge, some type of coleslaw(?), tofu soup and tea.
India: Rice, curry, and sauce.
Update: rwblake comments: I can state that the "curry" in the school lunch is not a curry. Curry is not Indian, it is a UK phenomena. The yellow soup is a Dal of some kind. Which is a Lentil cooked or ground up into a soup.
Update: Ajan comments: The pic or rather the lunch looks like some truck driver's lunch or probably some cheap school out of the blue from one of the corners of India. A normal Indian lunch (...) would be consisting of 3-4 different curries (UK Phenomena), the Dal/Rasam (Soup in American Tongue) kinda thing and a sweet in some places. P.S: The brown stuff is (...) Lady's Finger curry with some Masala.
USA: A healthy lunch. Chicken, beans, milk, salad, a roll and crackers.
France: French fries, a piece of baguette, mystery meat, cake, something resembling an omelet, and a cup of something to drink.
Update: froggy commented: 1st: the "omelette stuff" looks like a typical savoury puff pastry (as a first course), with cheese and streaky bacon inside. The meat is a simple burger patty (Salisbury steak, if you prefer). Cheap and very popular for school lunch.
France: Mussels, an artichoke, grapefruit, cheesecake, baguette and fries.
Update: froggy commented: Cooked Mussels+fries, a typical Belgian/North of France meal. The cheesecake looks more like a lemon tart.
USA: Tater tots, chicken nuggets, fruit, chocolate milk and ketchup.
China: A fish, something that looks like kimchi, rice, broccoli, cauliflower, and soup.
Japan: A roll (hot dog bun?), vegetable soup, orange wedge, something that looks like lasagna, milk, and some sort of vegetable salad.
USA: orange, milk, baguette, green beans and spaghetti.
USA: Broccoli, chocolate milk, chocolate cookie, marinara sauce, and what looks like pizza or cheese bread.
USA: Applesauce, chocolate milk, hash browns, and chicken nuggets.
USA: Taco salad, soda, mashed potatoes, and something that looks like it has either cheese or corn in it.
USA: A partly eaten BBQ sandwich, potato chips, baked beans, and peach cobbler. Mmmm.
Japan: rolls, a slice of pineapple, soup, milk, and some noodle stuff.
Korea: Rice, milk, kimchi, meat looking substance, noodle things, tofu soup.
Update: Mae comments: Also, in one korean lunch the little plastic container that looks like milk is actually more like a sweet yogurt drink.
Japan: Sardines, milk, rice, orange slice, and what looks like something totally foreign to me, in a bowl.
USA: an organic lunch of chicken(?), vegetables, mashed potatoes, organic milk, and a pear. A little bland as far as my taste.
USA: A roll, some salad with ranch dressing, chocolate milk, mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets and ketchup.
USA: peas, mashed potatoes, some sort of cake with sprinkles, a biscuit and what I believe is a beef pot pie.
USA: a roll, mashed potatoes, Salisbury steak, some sort of desert, and something resembling a pile of sauteed onions.
USA: Milk, fries in the shape of smiley faces, soup, crackers, ketchup and chicken nuggets.
USA: Chocolate milk, baked beans, fruit, ketchup, french fries, a corn dog and coleslaw.
USA: A soft pretzel and mustard, chocolate milk, fruit cocktail, corn and lasagna or possibly pizza.
School lunch usually doesn't represent the best that a countries culinary scene has to offer. In America, at least, the food is usually pretty bad. This e-mail is making fun of school lunch, not of the country of origin.
I'll be the first to admit that I am no culinary expert. If the original author of this e-mail was wrong, I apologize. I mean no offense to anyone by posting it, and would personally try every item on every tray. If you know what an item is, let me know, and I will update it.
Update:
I have found some additional school lunches from other countries:
Japan (I swear the site where I found this said Thailand)
Sweden
China
Malawi
Korea: Tofu soup, a banana, some noodle stuff, broccoli?, kimchi, and rice.
Korea: Kimchi, rice, soup, some greens, and some white thingies.
Update: Mae comments: The white thingies in the Korean lunch is mandoo, kinda like potstickers.
Korea: Kimchi, a fish, some seaweed looking thing, and some colorful mystery items.
Update: valerio comments: Top right of tray is spicy squid. Top right plate is pickled radish.
Japan: Rice, some dry seaweed(?), an orange wedge, some type of coleslaw(?), tofu soup and tea.
India: Rice, curry, and sauce.
Update: rwblake comments: I can state that the "curry" in the school lunch is not a curry. Curry is not Indian, it is a UK phenomena. The yellow soup is a Dal of some kind. Which is a Lentil cooked or ground up into a soup.
Update: Ajan comments: The pic or rather the lunch looks like some truck driver's lunch or probably some cheap school out of the blue from one of the corners of India. A normal Indian lunch (...) would be consisting of 3-4 different curries (UK Phenomena), the Dal/Rasam (Soup in American Tongue) kinda thing and a sweet in some places. P.S: The brown stuff is (...) Lady's Finger curry with some Masala.
USA: A healthy lunch. Chicken, beans, milk, salad, a roll and crackers.
France: French fries, a piece of baguette, mystery meat, cake, something resembling an omelet, and a cup of something to drink.
Update: froggy commented: 1st: the "omelette stuff" looks like a typical savoury puff pastry (as a first course), with cheese and streaky bacon inside. The meat is a simple burger patty (Salisbury steak, if you prefer). Cheap and very popular for school lunch.
France: Mussels, an artichoke, grapefruit, cheesecake, baguette and fries.
Update: froggy commented: Cooked Mussels+fries, a typical Belgian/North of France meal. The cheesecake looks more like a lemon tart.
USA: Tater tots, chicken nuggets, fruit, chocolate milk and ketchup.
China: A fish, something that looks like kimchi, rice, broccoli, cauliflower, and soup.
Japan: A roll (hot dog bun?), vegetable soup, orange wedge, something that looks like lasagna, milk, and some sort of vegetable salad.
USA: orange, milk, baguette, green beans and spaghetti.
USA: Broccoli, chocolate milk, chocolate cookie, marinara sauce, and what looks like pizza or cheese bread.
USA: Applesauce, chocolate milk, hash browns, and chicken nuggets.
USA: Taco salad, soda, mashed potatoes, and something that looks like it has either cheese or corn in it.
USA: A partly eaten BBQ sandwich, potato chips, baked beans, and peach cobbler. Mmmm.
Japan: rolls, a slice of pineapple, soup, milk, and some noodle stuff.
Korea: Rice, milk, kimchi, meat looking substance, noodle things, tofu soup.
Update: Mae comments: Also, in one korean lunch the little plastic container that looks like milk is actually more like a sweet yogurt drink.
Japan: Sardines, milk, rice, orange slice, and what looks like something totally foreign to me, in a bowl.
USA: an organic lunch of chicken(?), vegetables, mashed potatoes, organic milk, and a pear. A little bland as far as my taste.
USA: A roll, some salad with ranch dressing, chocolate milk, mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets and ketchup.
USA: peas, mashed potatoes, some sort of cake with sprinkles, a biscuit and what I believe is a beef pot pie.
USA: a roll, mashed potatoes, Salisbury steak, some sort of desert, and something resembling a pile of sauteed onions.
USA: Milk, fries in the shape of smiley faces, soup, crackers, ketchup and chicken nuggets.
USA: Chocolate milk, baked beans, fruit, ketchup, french fries, a corn dog and coleslaw.
USA: A soft pretzel and mustard, chocolate milk, fruit cocktail, corn and lasagna or possibly pizza.
Classic Chinese Translations
|
Images from Engrish.com, captions by Interesting Email Forwards .blogspot.com:
Please be courteous and tidy in your death, so others can enjoy their meal.
Basketball with Bilbo Baggins.
Good advice. People can be dangerous.
No, press it to have fun.
Damn these fireworks reek!
Call in the next ten minutes and we will throw in a free nights stay at the hospital.
Being cheated out of breath is not a pleasant experience.
Oh, glad I saw the sign.
Juicy and plump.
Hello products, I'm Nick.
If you ride your bike, we will KILL you.
Farewell for leaving?
I hate that place. Everyone is so violent.
Yes, keep it in your pants.
Delicious.
Who is Sully?
No more of that reckless slipping.
I love funky chicken.
I recommend a red wine with your Grizzly.
I treasure anything that's free.
Damn.
About time. I can never find shoes in my size.
Children made in other countries are approved to use product.
Not an easy meal to swallow.
Hello? Police? It appears I have been stolen...
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