Colonoscopy Journal

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Things to Think About

If a store is open 24/7 why are their locks on the doors?
Why is it that dogs stick their heads out windows but hate when you blow in their face?
Why are they called APART-ments when they are stuck together?
Why is an autograph called an autograph when it isn't a graph on automobiles?
If Ms. Cleo can predict your future why does she ask you for your name?
Can you teach a new dog old tricks?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Why, when we send something by ship its called cargo and if we send something by car its called a shipment?
If you get olive oil by squeezing olives, how do we get baby oil?
Why do you have to have a drivers licence to buy alcohol if you can't drink and drive?
If you can't drink drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If a cow sneezed would milk come out of its nose?
What hair color do they put on bald mens drivers lisences?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
Stop looking its not in there
Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
Can you cry under water?
Why is it that someone says head up when they mean for you to duck?

Jail Vs. Work

@ PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

@ PRISON you get three meals a day fully paid for
@ WORK you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON you get time off for good behavior
@ WORK you get more work for good behavior

@ PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

@ PRISON you can watch TV and play games
@ WORK you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON you get your own toilet
@ WORK you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK you spend most of your life wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK at work they are called managers

Random Funny Thoughts

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN, WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where: The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food

Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?

When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana